I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
