its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
