Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
