I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
