Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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