I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
