Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
