I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
