so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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