Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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