Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
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