I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
a search helicopter?!
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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