So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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