just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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