I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
