A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
