I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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