I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
