We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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