thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
