I faked an abortion last night.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
