I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
