There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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