So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
