I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
