After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
