I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
