so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
