fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
