just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize