i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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