We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
