Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
