Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
