too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
