so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
