The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
