is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
