Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
