I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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