just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
