So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
