Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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