i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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