we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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