Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she smelled like a LAN party
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
