I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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