ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
