i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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