Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
NoShamevember. You game?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
