So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
