I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
