you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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