just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
