The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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