You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Randomize
