Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
