This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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