I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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