You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
