I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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