I think im going to throw up on grandma
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
