If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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