I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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