Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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