dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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